Introspection
by maeyan181
Summary: Tom and Rachel's thoughts during 2x11. Spoilers from this episode!


Author's notes: This is the first fanfic I publish, and it's Tom/Rachel all the way, because I had to get this off my chest... It's not betaed, and english is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any mistake.

* * *

After their last confrontation, she honestly thought she wouldn't see him again in a long time. She does welcome Kara's visit, even if it's not a social one, because performing the well known medical procedures distracts her, same as her work in the lab. When the day comes to an end and she's forced to go back to her quarters, she can't help but play that last scene with the captain over and over in her head. She remembers his cold voice –the same coldness reflected in his eyes-, his hard mouth, when he had told her that first chance they got, she would be handed out to civilian authorities to be punished for her crime. As if she were nothing, as if she meant nothing to him anymore. She knows he is angry, and she understands why, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

She misses him… Not the cold, tough man of the last time, but the man that had believed in her when no one else would; the man that had embraced her tightly with tears in his eyes when she had confirmed that they finally had the cure in their hands. She fears whatever had been growing between the captain and herself had been broken forever by her actions. She still believes she has done what needed to be done, but the price she's paying is enormous. Not because of the uncertain position she finds herself in, but because of the disappointment in the captain's face when she had confessed she had indeed killed Niels.

She's sure he has nothing to do with her, so his visit comes as a total surprise. Still, nothing has changed since the last time: his face is serious, his mouth tight. She stubbornly refuses to look at him: she won't give him the satisfaction. When he asks the question, she answers as calmly as she's able to, trying not to show how much this tense situation is affecting her. She gives him the information he wants, but when he's about to leave, she stops him…

"Captain…" she wants to tell him so many things. Wants to tell him she won't lie and say she's sorry Niels is dead, because she's certainly not. But she does regret putting him in that position.

She wants to tell him she had done what was necessary, but still she has nightmares almost every night. She remembers his eyes bleeding, the betrayal and the disbelief in his gaze when he realized what she had done. Usually, she never allows herself to think of her family, but for some odd reason, in her nightmares, she remembers her childhood for the first time in years. Her mother's death had been what had moved her to become a doctor, and also what had moved her away for the Church and her father forever. Her father had left her mother die because he had believed giving her the medicine would have been a violation of God's will, and she had never forgiven him for that. She swore to herself she wouldn't ever allow any belief, norm or code to get in the way of doing what she thought was right. Her awareness of what was right and what was wrong had always been pretty accurate. As Tex had said, she is ruthless; she puts pressure on herself and does not stop until she find the answers she's looking for. That's what got her onboard the Nathan James on the first place, and that's what made her find the cure. Letting Niels live, when he had killed so many, would not have been right by her book. Unfortunately, her book and the captain's were quite different. He had told her she didn't get to decide what's right, but she knew no other way to live. She has to decide, because she cannot afford herself to rely on other people. How could she, if her own father had failed her, and her mother?

She wants him to understand what moves her. Maybe that way he will be able to forgive her…

She wants to tell him she does understand this was not about what he wanted. She knows that was the captain talking, because the man is not allowed to. She had seen glimpses of the man in the past… and she wants him to come back, but she's afraid she's destroyed that possibility…

She wants to tell him so many things… but she's unable to find the words… so she averts her eyes once again… and then he's gone.

* * *

He didn't want to confront her again. Not in her lab, and certainly not when he's laying on a stretcher while she touches and feels his wound.

He does not want to look at her. But… the thing is he does. The first few weeks after Baltimore, every time he closed his eyes, all he was able to see was his wife's face, sometimes beautiful and sweet, but most of the times sweaty, full of pustules and contorting in pain, as he imagined she would have been right before she died. But then… then, sometimes, it wasn't his wife's face what he saw anymore. She had entered his dreams and his subconscious without asking for permission. First time had been after the Vyerni. That was understandable; he was, after all, a hot blooded male, who had been away from his wife for many months. He had needs, and she was a very beautiful woman. Even if the whole kiss thing had been a decoy –and a smart one, for that-, he couldn't erase her taste, or the feeling of her body against his, from his mind.

After his wife's death, the pain had been to fresh, so the dreams had stopped for a while. But not for long… Since they had found the immunes, their relationship had been more tense. She did not agree with his decision of pursuing the submarine, and he refused to be questioned by a civilian. And yet, he could not deny her anything she asked for. She got under his skin, and that annoyed him. And when she did the unimaginable and killed Niels… He had been angry, yes. Still was. Angry at her mainly because of the position she had put him into. She sure knew he, as captain, wouldn't be able to let her crime go unpunished. But when he had confronted her… he had tried not to look at her… because seeing her… the guilt that had been eating at him since he had been told what happened… the guilt he had been trying to bury deep inside of him… was again on the surface. Because he had forced her to work with Niels… despite being perfectly aware of how strongly she despised him.

She had done what he had wanted to do. Hell, he might have done it too it he had not been a Navy captain on a Navy ship. Even if the world was in ruins, they were still the U.S. Navy. That still had some meaning to him, to everyone on his ship. His duty was to keep that alive, even if it meant to make hard decisions. What he needed to do and what he wanted to do were two different things… and he had wanted her to understand. Wasn't sure she did. But it was easier to forget the wants and concentrate on the needs if he didn't see her, so he had tried not to. Until then.

He watches her while she works. He notices the dark circles under her eyes, the way a few locks of hair had escaped the confines of her barrette and stuck themselves to her pale, damp cheeks. Her jaw looks sharper than before, as if she had lost weight this last few days. But still she holds her head high, refusing to be knocked down by this whole mess, and that makes him mad and mildly amused at the same time. She's probably the strongest person he knows, and he still admires and respects her, even if he condemns her decision regarding Niels. On top of that was the fact that even tired and disheveled she's so damn beautiful that sometimes he has to make a real effort to think straight and not do something stupid, like touching her. The pull is definitely there, and he knows he had not imagined the power surge between them whenever they were alone.

He had been right when he had said she would save them all. She's now explaining how she has saved his sorry ass once again, while examining his wound not so carefully –he could almost swear she was enjoying his discomfort a bit-, and proudly refusing to hold his gaze. She's harsh and full of sarcasm and he loves it, though he keeps his face as expressionless as he's able to. There are more pressing matters than removing the shrapnel from behind his liver. She calls him stubborn, and he's quick to answer back. They're not so different, after all, and maybe that's what's making things even more difficult.

She turns her back on him, and he stares at the ceiling. Sooner or later, they will have to address this matter between them, and they both know it, but today is not the day. After all, both are still angry with each other, with themselves. And hurt. And stubborn as ever. It will take time, but it will happen.

He calls her name softly, and it's enough to make her turn around. This time he waits until she holds his gaze and says "thank you". He's still serious, but his eyes are not cold anymore. And she's not smiling, but her eyes light up a bit as if she were.


End file.
